Before I joined most of the social media platforms I currently use, I had the desire to speak and be heard. I used to think “Gosh! I have so much to say!” Going even further back to the first year of my undergraduate studies, one of my professors asked my friends and I what we wanted to be after we graduated. I recall telling him I wasn’t sure but I could visualise myself speaking to large audiences and being listened to as an authority in my field. At that time though, that response was influenced mainly by my lack of knowledge of a better response.

Fast forward to when I started using social media, though I wasn’t as confident to share as I thought I would be, nonetheless, I made a good effort to write- mostly about my areas of expertise. Soon enough people started to recognise me and the causes I stood for. My voice was beginning to have its own life and then…. I started a PhD programme at one of the best universities in the world. That was when it happened. I lost not only my confidence but my voice as well.

Amidst the knowledge, power and influence I was surrounded by, I felt like an idiot. Not only was I struggling to believe the reality of actually doing a PhD at the University of Cambridge, but I also became more aware and overwhelmingly conscious of my ignorance. I was afraid to “look stupid” as a Cambridge student like that was the end of the world. The difficulty of my first year of learning and unlearning (a story for another day) didn’t help matters.

Through this period, I retracted into my shell engaging in deep reflections, asking questions such as: Am I in my right senses? What in the world am I doing here? Do I want to keep using my voice?  What do I want my voice to represent? amongst many others. These weren’t and still aren’t easy questions to answer (at least for me) but I must say, getting into that reflective space has helped me uncover more things about myself and the way I want to live my life.

So this piece you are reading is my first attempt (since starting my PhD) at coming out of my shell – slowly, trying to regain the confidence to use the gift of my voice again. I am doing this bearing in mind this time that there is so much I don’t know and that it is ok to be wrong sometimes. Getting things wrong is not the end of the world and I will learn from it. Above all, I am doing this knowing that I belong where I am and that my voice counts.

I hope you find the courage you need too.

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